How to ruin a good watch

I once thought I could make money out of buying and selling watches, so I invested in a limited edition RAF Red Arrows Breitling chronograph. It featured the Red Arrows squadron crest on the right hand side of the face and on the left a picture of one of their Hawk jets. These details turned what was a beautiful watch into something resembling a children's toy. I lost a lot of money on it.

Breitling happens to be the worst culprit in devaluing its brand with limited editon releases. As well as the aforementioned Red Arrows edition there is also an edition bearing the Bentley logo, aimed, presumably at those Bentley owners who also wear the t-shirt and fly the Bentley flag atop their garage. There are no doubt countless other commemorative pieces I have yet to discover.

I was put off the Omega Seamaster 007 edition because Omega has actually added the 007 logo to the other end of the second hand. Precisely what image is that going to portray as you order your vodka martini and your watch slips from under your cuff? Do you hope your lady friend might, perhaps, assume you are an agent of M16? Or Bond himself?

Which brings me to the TAG Heuer Monaco Twenty Four Concept Chronograph 40th Anniversary edition (pictured). Understated in matt black with only the addition of the orange and blue Gulf colours and logo to the face.

Lovely watch, granted, but it does kind of imply that one has a Scalextric installed in the loft.

Supreme Kuumba smelly stuff

I never thought I would get excited about joss, or 'incense' sticks until I got a noseful of Kuumba. This is incense but not as you know it - none of that jos stick stench that seeps its way into your Ligne Roset sofa and remains there for the next two weeks. This is an altogether more refined, less smoke-filled room experience.

Probably why Japanese incense brand Kuumba has elevated itself above your traditional tree hugging hippy joss stick image to release a number of collaborations with upmarket streetwear labels.

It produced an air freshener with Stussy last year and exclusive scents in collaboration with Undefeated, Clot, and Supreme.

This season's Supreme Kuumba kit comprises incense stick holder, and a tube of joss sticks. It will smell nice, and you will like to look at it. You never know, you might even make new friends. That's how great this stuff smells.

Finding a stockist is a different matter. Try The Hideout.

Cycle log 29/03/09

Given its distinct lack of mountains South Essex isn't really known for its cols, but there are one of two sizeable hills, if you know where to look.

One of these is the Benfleet Road, from the Hoy and Helmet to the water tower - a steady, draining incline which must be about a kilometre in length. This is about one fifth of a mountain climb in the alps or even parts of the peak district.

A fact which left me a little disheartened when it almost got the better of me. True rouleurs would take in three or four decent sized cols in one stage of a tour, and there was me, lungs screaming, legs at the point of seizing up and I'd only done 1km.

Just made me realise what these people actually have to go through on the tours and also that I am a good few mountain climbs away from being anywhere near their levels of endurance.

One of these days I wouldn't mind doing a mountain, just to see if I get past a km. Somehow I doubt it.

Rapha clobber:
Softshell jacket
Softshell gloves
Winter hat (still)
Fixed shorts
Merino socks
Arm warmers
Short sleeve jersey

Time: 1hr 28 minutes
Distance: 23.81 miles
Average: 16.6mph
Max: 33mph

Top five style icons

Having just returned from a blogging seminar, during which the popularity of lists was emphasised, I have decided to create a new Friday feature, which will forthwith be known as the Friday Five. This will be a list of five things, of no particular theme or importance. This feature will run as long as I can think of things to compile them with. So, here is my five most important style icons:

1: Steve McQueen. Now this dude knew classic relaxed style. Most of what he wore is still a classic to this day - thick chunky cardigans, bomber jackets, sharp suits, polo shirts - and his influence has carried through the years. Shame he's dead.

2: Malcolm McDowell. The British actor who manages to effortlessly combine panache with a hint of menace in all he does, from Clockwork Orange, the film that made his name, right up to the present day and his role in Heroes. He was even photographed for GQ in a Burberry trenchcoat with a British Bulldog on a lead. Now that is cool.

3: Daniel Craig. Would I have considered Mr Craig if he wasn't now James Bond? Probably not, but he is, and Bond is these days is kitted out in Tom Ford and equally salubrious menswear brands, which Craig carries off well. Can't say I'm a fan of the Omega watch though.


4: Which brings me to Sean Connery. The only James Bond to sport a Rolex Submariner, the ultimate classic watch. ALso impeccably dressed, although many a woman would argue Sean Connery could look good in a potato sack. Advanced years have led to stylists giving him the granddad look, which is a shame, because he was snappy in his day.

5: Jude Law. Classic English gent with a twist, his style improves with age, not least because he is now the face of that quintissentially English brand, Alfred Dunhill. Sales went ballistic when he started wearing their stuff, but to be honest it has always been good.

You might note that the only American on there is Steve McQueen, and that is because Americans, with the exception of McQueen, have no style.

Shades of summer

It's grey and miserable outside so my thoughts immediately turn to this year's sunglasses. My optician, who is not a person I'm inclined to take style tips from, insists that "this year is all about the aviator." Well skizzle my schnizle Sherlock, wasn't it all about the aviator last year too? And the year before that?

To be honest I would have thought that if this year was about anything it would be the Wayfairer, seeing as all the cool kids were wearing them last year and the mainstream is usually about four seasons behind. Even Noel and Liam Gallagher are wearing them, so they're definitely mainstream now. I can just see the Manchester crew making like Crocket from Miami Vice as they dodge the downpours.

So Wayfairers won't be the way forward for me. I'm with the optician, not because he's right, but because he's not wrong. The aviator shape has become a classic, and that wins over 'on-trend' all day long for me. I'm trying to ignore any Top Gun references.

I've narrowed my selections down to the Tom Ford Camillo or Dita Flight (both pictured, the Tom Fords are black and gold).

I'll probably go for the Tom Fords on the basis of availability. Dita, being Japanese, are virtually impossible to track down in the UK.

As for the sun, that's proving even harder to come by.

PS: I have been informed that the actual 'on-trend' sunglasses for this year are Rayban Clubmasters, which are essentially half-rimmed Wayfarers. So I was half right.

Jazzy funk

Dozing off on the train when my nostrils are filled with a sickly stench, evoking painful memories of misdirected teenage years I'd rather forget.

YSL Jazz. Made me feel nauseous then and it makes me want to retch all over this man who is violating my nostrils now. It might actually make him smell better.

Back in the late eighties the stuff was all the rage. That and Kouros, equally offensive. I think Joop! was also an option. The kind of aftershaves that are less a refreshing sensation than a full frontal indecent assault on the snout. They would strip paint. I thought they'd been banned.

Nevertheless at the time they were an improvement on the Old Spice my mum splashed over me just as I was leaving for my first school disco, with the immortal words: "you'll be fighting the girls off now!" Well mum, I didn't.

So have I gone into a timewarp or is this person actually wearing 20-year-old aftershave? There's a credit crunch on I know, but are people really that poor?

I Google it. They still make it. Costs £30. You can get something decent for that price.

I don't know what bothers me more - the fact it is still being made or that people buy it.

The Jazz is in my nose, I can smell it everywhere, like a rolling flashback. If it carries on like this I'll be wearing Global Hypercolour t-shirts again. Don't tell me they still make them. Surely not.

Unkle and ting

UNKLE can do no wrong in my book. Not a view shared by many, I know, but I think that's what makes me like James Lavelle's melancholic downbeat breaks even more.

Impeccable taste, 24-carat collaborations and a sound that makes you want to lie down and jump up and punch the air all at the same time. This latest track, Heaven, is from the End Titles album, which, even if you aren't an UNKLE fan, you might be surprised to find the orchestral piece from a recent BMW advert on.

Apparently the footage in the video is from the film Fully Flared. Spike Jonze and Ty Evans edited the footage and gave it to UNKLE to use as a video.

It blew me away. Enough said.

Where did I put that skateboard?

Heaven (Fully Flared Intro Video Remix)
Uploaded by UNKLE_UK

While we're on the subject of tunage, get your ears round Lilly Allen's latest serving. Can't say I even care for her that much but this is as pristine and catchy as pop can get, and you can't fault her lyrics.

Nike sludge releases

Another month, another Nike SB release and for April the brand has looked at the ground beneath its trainers and coloured accordingly.

The new releases of Blazers and the Dunks are offered up in varying shades of sludge, offset with bright flashes of colour limited to things like the tongue tabs. There is also some sort of Zoom air abomination in grey and black which would be better left on the shelves.

Nice to see Nike err towards the understated after last year's lairy offerings which included the vomit-inducing tie-dye.

The great thing about the SBs is that if you don't like them, another selection of colourways will be released next month.

Who knows what they will use as inspiration next time. Shades of sewage, perhaps?

Is that a car?

I've been driving a small car for a few years now - tasty little Smart Brabus Roadster. Not the greatest car in the world, the passenger door has a habit of opening while travelling at speed, the soft-top leaks, I've had to get the aircon fixed on an almost annual basis, and when I'm travelling with the roof down there's so much turbulence that I actually have a job breathing.

It's a challenge to carry much more than two weekend bags and you can forget about suitcases. So as far as practicality goes I'd be better off riding a bike.

But despite all this, I love it. I can drive all the way to Norwich and back on £25 of petrol thanks to its 770cc engine, and because Brabus stuck a twin turbo on it, I can put my foot down and the little thing accelerates like the clappers.

Above all, it looks the part, and in this era of average speed cameras and 50mph limits, nothing else really counts. It has huge alloys, it looks sleek. A reviewer once likened it to half a 911 and I can see why.

I wonder what that same reviewer would make of the new Tata Nanom (above - the red thing). The "world's cheapest car," like that's something to be proud of. You can buy quite a lot of car for £1,400. An old BMW perhaps or something equally German, like a VW. All of which will most likely last thousands of miles longer than this boil on the roads of life.

But then I don't particularly care how reliable the Nano is or isn't. To me it stands for all that is bad about small cars. Its very existence makes me angry. It falls into the Gee Whizz category - intended to be cute but instead inherently offensive. It seems to have been designed by those people who draw up those childrens' buggies with the steering handle on the back and a hole in the floor for kids to push them along with their feet.

One saving grace is that because the Nano has been released at possibly the worst time in history to launch a car, production has been cut and it won't reach the UK until 2011.

That's long enough for anyone contemplating such a misdirected expenditure to see sense. You might not care how you look, you might not care how your car looks. But that's still no reason to buy a Tata Nano.

I've seen better designed dodgems.

Cycle log 21/03

I'm poodling along, not a care in the world, a few miles into a 29 miler when I'm overtaken by another cyclist.

Now I'm not a competitive person and there's a little more practice required before I reach race standard, but all the same, it made me feel a little miffed. The overtaking manoeuvre took place at the very moment I had been congratulating myself at being able to maintain a decent pace. I was cruising, basically, and feeling all the better for it.

The day was perfect, the only wind was that which I created myself from cutting through the gentle breeze. I had the whole ride ahead of me, taking in the cosy towns and villages of South Essex as they awoke from their slumber. A few early risers were already up cleaning cars and fry-ups could be detected wafting from a couple of kitchens.

Then I'm under attack. I glance to my right as a blur in black spandex kicks down a gear and turbo pedals ahead, his celeste Bianchi leaving me in his wake.

I wasn't prepared. I hadn't seen another rider since that paperboy on the London Road. I could have given him a run for his money if I'd known he was coming.

But try as I might I could not catch up. Worse still, he was gaining distance - he must have been doing at least 5mph more than me. I had been done, good and proper, and as the incline approached and he disappeared around the corner I was forced to admit defeat.

Still, there's one consolation - if he had that much energy first thing on a Saturday morning, his Friday night couldn't have been too good.

Rapha clobber:
Short sleeve jersey
Arm warmers
Softshell gloved
Fixed shorts
Winter hat
Merino socks

Time: 1 hr 29 mns
Distance: 24.72 miles
Average: 16.6mph
Max: 29.7 mph

Visvim Weller Polo s/s 09

Every year around this time I ask myself if I really need another polo shirt. They've been a sizeable part of my wardrobe for decades now, so the answer is invariably no.

Then along comes Visvim with a new line and that's it. Obviously I need one, and I must have it in blue. I don't have a blue one.

The luxury Japanese street brand has never been one for adventurous colours, although this year it has moved on from its monochrome white, black and grey and added red and blue.

It's all about the detail with Visvim, so the cut is spot on, the fabric Sea Island Cotton and as an added bang for your bucks they've stitched a logo on the front.

What more do you want? Contrast piping on the collars? Nope sorry, not this year.

It's anyone's guess where these will be available in the UK, but that just makes me want one even more.

Acronym S/S 09

Acronym clothing is the sort of stuff that allows you to step out of your front door safe in the knowledge that if anything's going to ruin your day, it isn't going to be the weather, or bird crap.

When I've got my Acronym SSJ1 windproof, waterproof, pooproof jacket on, Mother Nature can basically do her worst. Sure enough, on come the winds, the hail, the driving rain but I still make it the hundred yards to the station completely dry apart from my legs. And that's what Acronym's all about. Urban weatherproofing.

So the arrival of the 2009 spring capsule collection in time for the March tornados and the April monsoon provided a little lift to the day.

No real surprises. Out came the staple collection of updated ACR classics. A Goretex jacket here, a schoeller top there. A few bags thrown in and even a cotton cap, as well as the S-J11 Stotz Etaproof Jacket, pictured. All guaranteed to be manufactured to the sort of bulletproof standards which would realistically allow you to go hiking backwards up Everest in, or something equally risky.

Not that you ever would. This has always been pricey stuff, but now with the weak value of the pound, it's going to take a brave soul who parts with £500 plus for a jacket, credit crunch or not.

The high prices are down to the low production runs - the garments are finished by hand, and the materials used.

Some might consider it a small price to pay for looking pristine as that tornado batters all around you. There is one alternative - stay indoors. And where's the fun in that?

Available now at The Glade